Most Americans want to marry, though too few do. Few Americans plan to divorce, though too many do.
Figure 1. Except gold-diggers. They actively plan divorce.
Staying married is generally better for your health, your bank account, and, most importantly, your kids. But what are the secrets to success?
In my last email (about the Five Love Languages,) I asked for recommendations that helped you the most with your relationships. I am still accepting answers but thanks to those who already replied! Rex included Crucial Conversations (multiple); Love and Respect (multiple); the Bible (multiple); Created for Connection; the 5 Money Personalities; the Course of Love; and, the most popular recommendation is the one I’m reviewing today:
In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman summarizes the results of his research on thousands of couples: monitoring case studies from behind a two-way mirror for 12 hours a day, tracking heart rates during interviews, and other unconventional methods.
Figure 2. Attempts to capture pillow talk were not successful.
Gottman’s most famous claim is that he can predict - with over 90% accuracy - whether a couple will stay together after observing a 15 minute conversation about an ongoing dispute.
What he’s looking for are “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: overbroad criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and, most dangerous of all, contempt. Every relationship, but especially an intimate one, will involve disagreement - the question is how to handle it. The couples most likely headed toward divorce criticize each other’s entire personality or character (“You’re a thoughtless, lazy bum”) rather than concentrate on the specific issue (“It would mean a lot to me if you took out the trash”). From a point of superiority, they project disgust at their partner through sarcastic and biting contempt that makes reconciliation nearly impossible. When they respond to any criticism, even sometimes softly approached, they counter-attack or put up a scorched-earth defense. And eventually things can get so heated that the couple shuts down, refuses to talk about anything, and they drift entirely apart, feeling fundamentally disrespected and lonely.
Figure 3. Despite his nickname earned at Bull Run, Stonewall Jackson was actually known for his extraordinary maneuverability, a far superior marital strategy.
In contrast, the most successful couples practice the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
First, successful couples continuously enhance their love maps: they are “intimately familiar with each other’s world.” This means knowing exactly what your partner is most worried and most excited about today, this week, in life. It means being “well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.” One study that monitored young professional couples 24-7 found that, on average over the course of a week, they engaged in conversation for about 35 minutes - mostly about chores and errands. That’s not enough. The ideal is to have a continuous conversation tracking your partner’s facts and feelings about life. This is all the more important if you have kids: about 2/3 of couples report a decline in marital satisfaction after their firstborn - but the 1/3 who don’t can answer a lot more questions correctly about what’s going on in their spouse’s world. Practically this might mean determining the big event(s) going on in your spouse’s day everyday and having a weekly state of the union to improve your romantic cartography. At the heart of a great marriage is a great friendship.
Figure 4. Or a “love globe” for round-earthers. Just remember that marriage is the ultimate (and original) friends with benefits
Second, successful couples nurture their fondness and admiration for each other. More than anything else, this is about gratitude: verbalize your appreciation when together, cherish - actively think positively about - your partner when apart. What you’re shooting for is positive sentiment override where your “positive thoughts about each other and [your] marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede [your] negative feelings.” In other words, you think your spouse is the cat’s meow and you can tolerate occasional evidence to the contrary. Depending on your spouse’s love language, find a way to communicate genuine affection - every day if possible. As with so many other successful approaches, this is about building on your strengths.
Third, successful couples turn toward each other when they’re in need. This can be during something big: "When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen." But it can also be the smallest thing over the course of a day. Gottman talks about how couples make “bids” for each other’s attention - “Could you take a look at this?” “I had the most interesting thing happen to me today” etc. We sometimes miss a bid because “it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion” or we’re “distracted by the wired world.” Successful couples recognize and acknowledge each other’s bids - because they prioritize each other. "Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner 'before all others.’” Along the same lines, you must take your spouse’s side, no matter how unreasonable, against other people - most often in the context of hearing stories about work but especially against your own parents. Nothing is a better signal that you two are on the same team.
Figure 5. Avoid awarding winning bids to your phone over your mate.
Fourth, successful couples accept each other’s influence. Your partner knows you intimately, cares for you, and wants what’s best for you. Try to empathize with their needs and feelings and accept their advice and recommendations!
Fifth, successful couples solve their solvable problems. This principle is really about avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Somewhat surprisingly, successful couples don’t let anything go undiscussed: they have high expectations of each other and have a low threshold for deviations. But the way they talk about things is different. The best approach: soften your start-up - no sarcasm - and introduce the very specific problem by acknowledging your own responsibility, describing your feelings, and stating what you positively want going forward, i.e. “Hi, if you have a moment, there’s something that means a lot to me that I’d like to talk to you about. I know that I did not remind you this week but I really hate going grocery shopping and I appreciate it so much when you do it instead. Would you please do it today?”
If tensions rise in this or any other situation, learn to make and receive “repair attempts.” These can be silly (a dramatic wink, a positive joke) or they can be serious (“Can we take a break? I feel stressed and I’d like to calm down.”) “The success or failure of a couple's repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.” Soothe yourself and each other over and talk through everything - process all grievances so they don’t linger. "Only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost." And compromise where you can.
Figure 6. Nothing attracts a woman like being able to fix things around the home. If you’re looking for repair attempt ideas, try this cartoon!
But sometimes you can’t. The sixth principle is that successful couples overcome gridlock. Most sustained marital arguments can’t be resolved. Gottman suggests that 69% of arguments he’s studied fall into the perpetual and unsolvable category. Psychologist Dan Wile advises: "When choosing a long term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years." What characterizes gridlock? “You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution… When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt… Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection… Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out - giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.” The only way around it is to: define “the minimal core areas you cannot yield” and “your areas of flexibility” and then “devising a temporary compromise that honors both dreams”
Figure 7. It was a typical first coffee date. A get-to-know-you session about where they were from, what they did for fun, how to worship God, what is an appropriate spending limit, work-life balance, how often a married couple should have sex, how to raise kids, how often to see in-laws, who should do which chores. Typical first coffee date stuff.
Finally, seventh, successful couples create shared meaning. “Less than a third of American families eat dinner together regularly, and more than half of those that do have the television on.” That’s not a recipe for success. "In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just 'get along' - they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together." Determine the meaning of marriage, establish and honor rituals of connection, and honor your shared values and you’ve completed your final step.
Figure 8. Click here to get The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, 10/10. Gottman is a thoughtful author who has a compelling take based on his research in the field (though there are some questions about his math). He has specific and useful exercises for working through each of the seven principles. And Gottman has some amusing takes on his own and others’ ideas about marriage, such as his overview of his fifth principle “comes down to good manners - how would you treat a guest in your home? If a guest leaves an umbrella, you say 'Here. You forgot your umbrella' Not 'What's wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God's sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?" For better or worse, Gottman is on the third decade of his third marriage - and I’d love to know the perspective of each of his wives on his becoming “the country’s foremost relationship expert”!
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